Things I'm scared of

1. Earthquakes

Not as much now, but the December when I was 11, I heard a news story that the Wasatch front was due for a big one any day now. I used to lay in my bed, sure that the ground was shaking and terrified that I wouldn't make it to Christmas. I kept imagining my bed falling from the second story of the house through the ceiling of the first story and then down to the basement (which really doesn't make any sense whatsoever because I was over the garage, so I would have just fallen into our van. But try explaining that to a preteen in the dark)

2. The Dark

Or really, not so much the dark as the shadows that lights make in the dark. I can't sleep with any light coming into my room at all because then I imagine there are things other than what is making the shadows that are of course coming to get me. When I was younger it was all sorts of demons and boogie men (in particular I remember an entire legion of rock men wrapped in cloth that were heading towards my room down a long hallway. Except of course they weren't smart enough to open the door, so as long as I was in my room with the door closed I should be ok, except did I need to go to the bathroom? I think I might need to go to the bathroom.) Now instead of imaginary creatures, I am much more scared by the idea of someone REAL entering my house. In the dark of the night when I hear a creak or the wind or something, I think (and I am not making this up) I just hope that I go quickly and that they don't hurt the girls. Somehow this is comforting? Then again, chances are that the scary wind won't really be carrying a gun anyway.

3. Running alone anytime before dawn, even if dawn will occur 2 minutes into the run.

Combine my fear of the dark with WAY too many murder mysteries on TV (and not to mention all the self protection tips on the morning shows--carry mace, don't do anything at the same time everyday, don't wear a ponytail) and I am convinced that there is somewhere out there who will grab me and do all sorts of terrible unmentionables to me. Back in Columbus I used to go running with a group of women and to get to our meeting spot I had to go through a fence and a little grove of trees. Every morning at 5:55. I think my heart stopped a little every time I did it. This was not helped by our living next door to a wood products manufacturing company (not a furniture company, or a wood company) I don't know what they did, but they kept strange hours. So most mornings there was someone there loading wood products onto a truck. Or waiting for me and using that as a guise.

4 Toxic Shock Syndrome

Way back when I went to the maturation programs someone mentioned this in passing. I have no idea what the symptoms are (and I'm scared to do a google search in case knowing them makes me even more likely to imagine them). I have this moment almost every month where I think "Oh my gosh, do I have fever? Am I feeling nauseous?" and I can only talk myself out of that one irrational moment by continuing to breathe normally and eating something unhealthy.

5. I'm going to mess up my children irrevokably.

Which goes without saying. This is of course amplified by their being sick for the last two weeks and therefore extra sensitive to me doing things like pouring too little milk in their cereal bowls or not knowing what in the world this word means that Moira says all the time that sounds just like blowdryer, but isn't because I have, in desperation, shown her the blowdryer and gotten a frustrated "NO NO NO NO NO!" in response.

6. I'm gaining weight

because we don't have stairs. I didn't realize how much more excercise you get from having stairs. Up and down it's so annoying, but I think I'm losing definition in my calves.

7. We bought the wrong house.

Because there are no stairs and it's the smallest (and also the cleanest in possibly the nicest location) and it was in such good condition when we moved in that I imagine we are just driving the value down down down. I keep thinking of this other house that was quite a bit bigger that is just as far away from Chris's work, but BIGGER, with a swingset already in the back yard. And yeah the ward meets farther away, but then again maybe they wouldn't have called me to the nursery. (The nursery. Seriously? Do they know me? Do they know how much of my energy I expend trying to get AWAY from my kids) Or we could be in a house just as small, but closer to Chris's work. Or this really cool house that was a lot older but had all sorts of crazy 70s artifacts and where we would have wanted to redo the kitchen but couldn't have. (yeah, that one was really out) I keep thinking of all the things about our house that are making me a little crazy and I'm not sure what to do about them. Like, the girls waking up at 6:15 again. That sleeping until 7 thing was too nice and human to last, wasn't it? Which has nothing to do with the house, except if they're going to wake up so dang early and grumpy anyway, we might as well put them back in the same room together and then make a toyroom. And the fact that I don't like having a rambler as much as I thought I would. Our bedroom windows are at ground level. And is that the wind? With a bad case of toxic shock syndrome?

End of rambling. Carry on.